When Talking Isn’t Enough: How To Hold An Engaging Conversation

What would you say if I told you to quit talking to me? In fact, I want you to quit talking to everyone. What I want instead is for you to engage with others. Engagement occurs on a different level than talking to or talking at someone. When we engage, we transform our experience of ourselves and our experience of others. Let’s look at three levels of conversation and discover what it means to be engaged.

3 Levels Of Conversation

Level 1: Level 1 conversations are about exchanging stories. I tell you about my day or week and you respond with your own story that complements, outdoes or reminds you of mine. Sometimes the intent is to validate you and your experience, as in, “Oh my gosh! The same thing happened to me!” Other times we go for the attention grab: “Oh, that’s nothing! Listen to this.” While rich in information sharing and often energizing, Level 1 conversations don’t require a high level of emotional engagement.

Level 2: Level 2 conversations circle around common interests or beliefs. We hash out the latest political scandals or vent about work. In these conversations, each party seeks commonality and support of their worldview. For this reason, Level 2 conversation frequently morph into advice-giving sessions. However, engagement begins as we tap into our core interests and beliefs in these conversations.

Level 3: Here’s where the real work gets done. In level 3 conversations, we are discovering—and appreciating—the uniqueness of the individual. These conversations have more depth, more vulnerability and require deep listening for thoughtful replies. It’s not enough to share a story, though a story might be exactly what is needed to communicate understanding. It’s not enough to discover common interests or beliefs, though we likely will. Instead, we go further and make a commitment to listen and create a safe environment for others to share who they really are, rather then the person we want them to be.

Not every conversation needs to be a Level 3. In fact, that would be exhausting! A quick round of stories at the water cooler or a lunch date to gripe about the boss is fine and often all that’s needed. But look for opportunities to hold Level 3 conversations. It may be with someone you’re mentoring, with a vendor or client with whom you seek to establish a relationship or with a colleague you feel has ideas and opinions—even if they differ from yours—worth exploring at a deeper level.

These conversations take work. It’s hard to let go of judgments or stop our minds from racing to what our reply is going to be and instead be fully in the moment and listening to the person in front of us. In the long term, however, Level 3 conversations are where the deepest of friendships and business relationships take place and grow.

Personal Mission Statements: A Two-Pronged Approach

Is it possible to create a mission statement with true meaning and value, i.e., one that actually “guides” you as a leader or person? I’ve facilitated my fair share of mission statement building sessions and more often than not the statements get left behind in the conference room with the stale coffee and doughnut remnants.

Recently however, I came across the book, The Path by Laurie Beth Jones. In it, Jones asks readers to define their CAUSE. What jumpstarts your day, ignites your fire, get you excited enough that you race to pursue opportunities around it? Your job isn’t always your cause, but it can be. For example, my cause is transforming the lives of senior leaders in small/medium-sized businesses. I have a true passion that I’ve been able to translate into an amazing career, doing what I love.

I found, however, that The Path’s template only worked for leaders like myself who were driven by a well-defined cause. Without a cause, people struggled to define their mission. After much research and testing, I developed a two-prong approach, dividing leaders into either a “cause-driven” or “values-driven” approach.

CAUSE-DRIVEN. A cause-driven direction speaks to your overriding passion but doesn’t define how you life your life. For example, here’s my cause-driven mission statement: To transform the lives of leaders through awareness, insight and action.

VALUES-DRIVEN. A values-driven statement speaks to how a person conducts himself or herself in life. Here’s an example of a values-driven mission statement: I offer grace and kindness to everyone I touch, living each day mindfully, modeling strength of character and high integrity.

I used to think values-driven statements were too “soft” to be useful, but many would argue they are more powerful than cause-driven statements as people who define their mission by a set of values will apply that purpose, or reason for being, to whatever is going on in their life.

I encourage every leader—and person—to create a personal mission statement they can turn to in times of doubt. Having clarity around your passion or values can save you sleepless nights and allow you to move into the correct guiding question in order to make sound decisions.

If you’d like a template to create a personal mission statement, the attached tool will provide you with everything you need to create your own cause-driven or value-driven statement. Once you craft your personal mission statement, I invite you to share it here.

Three Questions That Will Change The Way You Do Business

Three simple questions. In my work with leaders, helping them decide which of these three questions should guide their time and attention results in a tremendous impact on their business.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda…

What should I do? This is a question leaders need to ask themselves without shying away from the answer. Do you need to have a difficult conversation with a co-worker? (If so, I recommend Susan Scott’s excellent book, Fierce Conversations.) Do you need to shut down a manufacturing line that’s contaminated? Doing what you should do may not be what you want to do but it’s something that needs to be done for organizational and interpersonal dynamics or to avoid/contain a crisis situation.

What could I do? This is a powerful question for generating options. It expands our world and invites us to consider new possibilities. I recommend leaders set aside a portion of each day to think about the “coulds” alongside other key leaders. Working as a group to consider possibilities generates alignment, builds ownership in the business and establishes or solidifies stronger relationships.

What do I want to do? Asking this question can provide clarity on issues or opportunities that may be emotional or complex. Getting clear on preference doesn’t mean you must act on that preference, but it can guide how you act upon a “should” or “could.” For example, I might want to invest in a new piece of equipment to expand my manufacturing capacity rather than continuing to outsource. My analysis indicates that our contractor delivers excellent product quality at low cost. Logically, I should outsource it. Emotionally, I want to bring it in-house. Addressing all factors (instead of denying or avoiding them) facilitates better decision-making.

Should, could, want. Leaders ask themselves these three questions every day, but learning which situation dictates which question should be asked brings about a much higher level of awareness in decision-making.