Difficult Conversations That You Need To Have

I had an employee who was consistently underperforming. He was not responding to coaching or corrective action measures and was actually flaunting his underperformance throughout the organization. I was trying to avoid and ignore the glaring issues, but my boss insisted I address the problem. At the time, I was annoyed with him for interfering with my blissful ignorance. Later I realized just how valuable his mandatory push was. I was a wreck, filled with dread at the prospect of having a difficult conversation. I knew what I needed to do. I just didn’t want to do it. At first I resisted, made excuses, and tried to buy time. Not surprisingly, the problem with the employee got even worse. The employee’s behavior, and my lack of response, was noticed by other employees, and before long, I had two and then three employees underperforming, not responding to corrective action, and flaunting their underperformance. My boss began having intense conversations with me about my performance.

I knew it was time to buckle-down and act.  I practiced my key points. I was conscious of my tone and body language. I was ready. I went into the first meeting with the employee, and things did not go well. I had been so focused on my message that I was not prepared for his defensive response – I assumed my thoughtful and intentional feedback would be appreciated, and that he would understand my key points. Because I wasn’t prepared for his anger, defensiveness, and blame, I was caught off-guard and left the room without accomplishing my mission. Yikes! Now what?

I learned a valuable lesson: We can’t choose the response we get from those we confront, but we can be better prepared.

Prepare yourself for tough conversations

In the outstanding book, Fierce Conversations, by Susan Scott, Scott provides deep insight into how to prepare for a fierce conversation, and how to handle a response you don’t like. She doesn’t mince words about where the real issue is. In my case, I discovered the real issue was me. Yikes! My thoughts, my approach, and my inability or unwillingness to be honest with myself, had me accepting, justifying, ignoring, and denying actions that I knew were not in alignment with our company’s core values. I had not been willing to face the truth of what was going on, and I didn’t have the courage to address it on my own.

After reading the book and taking stock of where I was and what I believed, I took action. I had three very effective conversations. Did the employees all respond as I wanted? No, but I knew I was grounded in what was best for the company, and surprisingly, I found that the employees and I all found the conversations to be deeply gratifying and highly effective. One employee chose to leave the company, and the others chose to stay and help our organization grow.

Managing isn’t always fun and games.

As a manager, you’ve got to handle conflict, confrontation, difficult conversations, sharing tough feedback, holding others accountable, managing expectations, and so much more. Whew!  Having tough conversations can be emotionally draining, time consuming, and after all that, you still may not make your key points. You still might be misunderstood. You still might not see the behavior change you seek.

But if you don’t have the courage to have what Scott defines as “fierce conversations,” things won’t get better. Ignoring the issues doesn’t make them go away. Exploding or attacking can harm the relationship, hurt productivity, and even expose risk areas for the business.

In Fierce Conversations, Scott provides a framework and many practical examples of how to voice your opinion, have those difficult conversations, and challenge others to perform – all in a professional and effective way. Pick up a copy of Scott’s book, Fierce Conversations and let me know how you’ve used it to make a difference in your business.

The Conversations We Avoid — or Blow

Building truly effective relationships with employees may mean stepping out of your communication comfort zone Joe hardly made eye contact as Mary, his manager, fired questions at him about why he had failed to hit the delivery dates for a customer order. Clearly angry and frustrated, Mary blasted everything from Joe’s casual business attire to his age (29) and his habit of leaving the office at 5:30 pm sharp to spend time with his kids. But she never asked what actually happened to cause the delivery date failure. By focusing on attributes unrelated to the problem, her reprimands were unlikely to teach or motivate Joe to change or improve his work.

Harold, 35, expected to take over the business from his 70-year-old father last year. The two had discussed and agreed to the plan. But when the time came for a transition, nothing happened.  Harold waited it out for a few weeks, guessing the delay was just an oversight. Weeks turned to months with still no word from his dad. Finally, ready to explode, Harold stormed into his father’s office and demanded to know why he was not in charge. Dad, having decided Harold needed more experience, counterattacked. Harold clearly was not ready for the responsibility of running a business, dad yelled. He was too volatile and immature and would not be taking over any time soon.

 Straight talk as a learned skill

We hear much talk these days about how the younger generation — those who grew up with email, texting and phones attached to their hips — hasn’t developed the level of communications skills needed to be successful in business. But I’ve observed plenty of business professionals who came of age before these technological advances who also struggle to communicate effectively. Maybe technology isn’t the issue. Maybe our professional development opportunities, our educational systems and our family experiences fall short in offering the training, experience and reinforcement we need to learn how to communicate effectively.

In the scenarios above, Mary, Joe, Harold and Harold’s father each missed opportunities to proactively communicate in ways that would improve the business, create learning opportunities and strengthen working relationships. They let anger, frustration, and fear of feedback get in their way of an honest exchange.

Whether it’s a simple update on the status of a project or a more challenging task such as giving difficult feedback, we tend to fall back on communication patterns that feel safe.  Such ineffective communication leaves a gap in truly hearing and understanding each other. Worse yet, we fire up emotions that may damage the relationship and our trust. Productivity suffers. In all cases, the business loses.

Through my Leadership & Legacy Group coaching, I work with leaders who have built highly successful, profitable businesses yet still stumble when it comes to difficult conversations. Too often they soften or under-play the message. They leave their employees confused and not sure what action to take. Or a leader may go on the attack out of frustration, creating high levels of stress and tension that prompt employees to either lash out or withdraw. Either way — plus many variations between — is terribly ineffective.

Crafting effective messages

In Fierce Conversations, author Susan Scott tackles some of the most challenging and important types of dialogues we need to have – at work, at home and in life. She provides a framework for building your message so it’s effective and maximizes your probability of getting the results you want. There is no guarantee of getting your desired results, of course, when dealing with people, but by building a productive and effective conversation, your chances are far better.

Fierce Conversations should be required reading for all business professionals and used as a textbook in communications training programs. Following her models isn’t easy — they take us out of our comfort zones, out of our all-too familiar patterns of avoidance or lashing out. You may be tempted to declare that you shouldn’t have to do this work – you are the boss! But by taking the time to have those difficult conversations and to be clearly understood, you’re likely to see your stress levels drop, your relationships grow stronger, your bottom line improve. That’s a great yield from the simple investment in communicating clearly.

The Disorientation Of Selling Your Business

There is a world of difference between being a successful employee of a large corporation and the successful owner of a business that was started from scratch. If you are one of the latter, you know just how much work you had to put into it, with all those sleepless nights, the long days of work trying to get those first clients interested in your products or services and the uncertainty of the first years of business. These are things that all entrepreneurs remember as they gain more success. Inevitably, there comes a time when they need to find someone who will take over the business. In many cases, their children aren’t interested in the company or aren’t capable of running the business, so their only option is to sell their business. Some of them decide to maintain an ownership or leadership role — remaining as Chair of the board, or Chief Operations Officer, but at some point, they recognize that the key to financing the rest of their lives lies in selling the business and collecting enough profit to live the rest of their lives without worry.

This whole decision making process can be a very disorienting experience for owners because their business basically became part of their essence, their identity. At some point it ceased just being a way to make a living. Everything that they have achieved, the things they own and the experiences they’ve had are all linked to this company they built from the ground up. When they decide to sell it, it is like going through a grieving process that is similar to the loss of a loved one. The only difference is that they are relieved of all the hard work and the feeling of always having some responsibility.