Exiting My Business Shouldn’t Stress My Marriage!

We just celebrated Valentine’s Day, a day known for candy and flowers and romantic dinners. If you’re planning to retire soon, one of the most caring and practical things you can do is to talk to your spouse about the anticipated changes you BOTH will experience when you no longer work 40 – 60 hours/week. We’re not talking about your new-found ability to take off on a Wednesday afternoon to visit with the grandchildren. We’re talking about the everyday changes to your routine. Those are the ones that have the potential to really shake up your relationship.

We think it’s going to be no big deal…sleep in a little, have some time to read the paper over a leisurely breakfast, do a few things around the house, maybe take a nap…. Well, that may sound delightful to you, but your spouse is likely still living the patterns created over years of partnership. Whether your spouse works full time, part time or not at all, his or her patterns will be shaped and influenced by the changes in yours, and if you don’t discuss them in advance, or as they are happening, you will experience tension.

Last August, my husband Jim left his position and is taking some time off to re-evaluate his career direction. This change meant that he (and we) no longer needed to awaken at 5:20am. Yippee! It also meant he would be home. All. Day. Long. I wasn’t sure I liked that.

First, I noticed a subtle (or not so subtle) nudge for a later wake up time – but I still had early meetings scheduled. Later I noticed more meandering in the morning. He took some extra time to play with our dog, eat a leisurely breakfast. I still had deadlines, commitments, schedules -- made months ago -- staring me in the face. When I worked from home, rather than the solitude I had become used to, he would sweetly stop in to say hello or check in with me about what time I’d be breaking for lunch. I found myself distracted by everything -- the music on his iPad, his conversations with our dog, the front door creaking open and shut, open and shut. Arrggghh!

While it took some time, and a lot of conversation and expectations-sharing, we worked things out. I shared my need for quiet time to focus and concentrate; he plays his ipad a little lower. He sends me a text to confirm lunch plans, and I schedule morning meetings a little later. We’ve found a new rhythm.

In Japan, there’s even a recognized condition related to the relationship changes around retirement. “Retired husband syndrome” describes a set of stress-related symptoms and depression that many Japanese women experience in anticipation of having their husbands around more in retirement. This seems to be driving a wave of late-in-life separations, known in the United States as “grey divorce”.*

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

The best approach is to foster awareness of the impact the change will have on you and to discuss each of your wants and needs. Ask your spouse what they want their life to look like in the next 3 years and tell them what you dream about. Then figure out how to make it happen.

* For more information on Grey Divorce from Greensboro, NC experts, contact us  (abby@leadershiplegacygroup.com)

Accelerate Results – Now and in the Future

My early career years were tough. As newly hired entry level managers with Procter & Gamble, we were given tremendous responsibility -- and we were expected to deliver! Most of my colleagues seemed to excel under that pressure. Not me. By about my 5th year with the company, I doubted my ability to reach the next level and I was worn out from the constant struggle to meet the new stretch goals. In year six, I took an opportunity to transfer within the company to a very different role in a different division. In this role, I had the opportunity to work with the senior leaders of the Laundry and Fabric Care business. I facilitated their leadership team meetings, ran the Strategic Planning process, spent much 1-1 time doing what I later learned was ‘Executive Coaching’ and marveling at the discovery through this work, that we all struggle with some level of self-doubt. Some of us are better at masking it than others.

I flourished in this new role and environment. Within a short period of time I was promoted and I started researching my discovery of the impact of negative self-talk and how that manifests in our culture.

A Strengths-based Approach

About that time, there was research coming out, based on work done by Martin Seligman, who is considered the Grandfather of Positive Psychology (University of Pennsylvania). Gallup had recently published Now, Discover Your Strengths (M. Buckingham and D. Clifton), which debunked the myth that our greatest area for growth is in improving our weaknesses. That was fascinating to me!

Instead, our greatest opportunity for growth and delivering exponential results (in addition to greater confidence and true joy) is in working to develop our strengths.

Later, Malcolm Gladwell’s research indicated that it takes 10,000 hours of disciplined practice to achieve greatness in a particular discipline.

Unfortunately, in our culture, it’s easy to stay focused on our weaknesses. We gleefully point out other people’s weaknesses – often not to their face of course, that would be rude! And we confidently put together a list of our own. Some of us willingly share those with others and some prefer self-torture. Many do both. That doesn’t do any good.

What I learned is that you, me, your staff, and everyone else has amazing strengths: skills you’ve built over years of growing your business; qualities and characteristics that are inherent to who you are, that come naturally in special situations and in your everyday life. The thing that makes your performance in those strength areas really special and unique is your willingness and commitment to identify, acknowledge, and develop those very strengths. They don’t become amazing on their own. Look at Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, and Steve Jobs. They all developed their strengths with hours of disciplined practice. Why not you? If you invest in developing your strengths and your staff’s strengths, you will transform your business, your culture and their lives.

What about weaknesses?

So what if your staff (or even you?) have weaknesses? Should you ignore them? No. Mitigate them. Make their impact on your business and life inconsequential.

Now, if you have an employee in a role where his weaknesses are truly holding him and the company back, you may need to make a change in his role and/or responsibilities or you may ultimately discover he’s not a fit for your company. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have strengths! It simply means the fit isn’t right. Allocate roles and responsibilities with strengths in mind and you’ll find your results and engagement soar.

Get started:

1. Identify your greatest strengths and then note the ones you most enjoy using. If you are stumped, think about the feedback people consistently give you.
2. Take a look at your team. What strengths do they have that are underdeveloped or underutilized?
3. Invest in an assessment to highlight and validate their strengths. Strengthsfinders is web-based and for $10, you can get a list of your top 5 from their set of strengths . If you want a competency-based leadership or management assessment, contact us for more information.
4. Invest in developing their strengths. Look for ways to re-allocate roles to better align strengths and responsibilities to maximize results.
5. Begin your 10,000 hours of disciplined practice to expand your impact using those strengths. So, if you want to be a better decision-maker, for example, figure out how you can leverage your strengths to do that.

This is a pretty seamless way to get your team engaged and performing at their best, which means your business is on the cusp of something big! I can’t wait to hear what you will accomplish by shifting to a strengths based approach in your business! Drop me a note and let me know how it worked for you!

Creating New Rituals and Habits

Happy New Year! Many of us make resolutions for healthy habits this time of year, but really any time you make a life change – such as getting a new job, having a baby or retiring – is the perfect opportunity to reassess not just your daily routine, but also your regular habits and rituals. What changes do you want to make in your life? What has worked well for you and what might you like to be different? Now is the time to decide: Do you want to sleep in until 7am? Do you want to cook healthy meals? Work out before lunch instead of 5:15am? Do you want to buy tickets to the theater for a Wednesday night because you don’t have to worry about the alarm clock waking you on Thursday morning? Do you want to take a class at the community college that meets from 2pm to 4pm on Mondays? Or do you want to create a habit for reading, journaling, walking, biking, coffee with friends?

Decide what habits and rituals you want and then set up a place to do it. Ensure your tools of the trade are handy and then build the time into your schedule using a trigger that indicates when it’s time to do it. For instance, if you want to read your Bible every day, create a place to read, put your bible and any other tools in that space (reading glasses, a pointer, a coaster for your cup of coffee), and then build the trigger into your schedule. If you want to read right after you make your morning cup of joe, that’s your trigger. This year, as my schedule changed, I set a resolution to write in my journal every day. I created a space at a table in my home office, placed my journal, reading glasses and pen on the table, and my trigger alerts me to journal right before I head downstairs for breakfast. If you want to eat healthy meals, where will you find or create those meals? What tools do you need to do it well? What will trigger you to create or find those meals instead of the traditional fast food you’ve been relying upon?

You don’t need a life change to create healthy good habits. Pick something small and get started today.

Good luck!