Tip # 49: Drop Those Defenses

“Sometimes we receive feedback from someone that doesn’t feel good to hear. We get defensive and argue that they “just don’t understand.” Instead of deflecting their comments, listen to what they have to say. It may be true that they don’t understand, but we can learn about them—their values, priorities and feelings—just by listening. From that vantage point, we gain the upper hand and can craft an appropriate and productive response. And you never know; once you stop deflecting and start listening, you may realize what they’re offering is valuable, even valid feedback.

The next time someone criticizes you, make an effort to listen and not become defensive. Write down what you heard. What did you learn about the person? Is there any insight to be gained from what they presented to you?”

Of all the tips offered in 128 Tips to Make You a More Effective Leader, this may be the most challenging one to master. Hearing negative feedback often elicits a knee-jerk reaction...

And it’s not to send a thank you note.

The most important thing to remember in the moment is to pause.

I have found it useful to remind myself that feedback is 100% about the giver…and there may be a grain of truth in it about you, too.

Huh?

Think about it: The person who is giving you negative feedback is describing THEIR feelings, their thoughts, their judgments. They may be correct about you, too… or not.

What is correct is the great insight they are offering you about what is important to them? Good to know!

Their words may not feel like a compliment to you, but their actions give you an insider’s view of them.

Listen or Lose

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” - Stephen R. Covey

Ever miss what someone is saying because you are too distracted crafting your response?

We’ve all been there...

The problem is when we get stuck there.

Simply being aware of this habit will help you gain the traction you need to become a more effective listener.

We live in an increasingly noisy world.

In terms of supply and demand, there is a surplus of broadcasters and a shortage of receivers.

Don’t flood the market; cater to the need. Be a leader who listens. You will always find yourself in demand.

Not sure where you stack up?

If you’ve already forgotten what this blog is about because you’ve been drafting what you want to write in the comment section, it might be worth re-reading.

Tip: Silence is only uncomfortable if you are uncomfortable with it. Stop trying to fill the empty space in a conversation. Stay dedicated to being a receiver and you will be amazed with what you hear.

Failure Creates the Path to Success

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over again in my life...”

Yikes. Pretty depressing stuff right? Feeling sorry for this poor guy?

Spare your pity.

Here comes the perspective:

“…and that is why I succeed.” -Michael Jordan

Failed efforts often lead to successes that inspire.

You miss a priceless opportunity when you edit failures out of your story. People who look up to you want to connect with you. They want to relate to you. They want to know you are human.

You don’t need to be perfect; you need to be real.

We all fail.  When we are down, the thing we need most is the belief that we have the strength to get back up and keep fighting.

Let the unedited version of your story inspire those around you. Admit your failures. Own them as part of your legacy.  You never know who you might be helping back up.

Who inspired you when you needed it the most?