Be Strong Enough to Say You’re Sorry

And make sure you mean it.I’m sorry. I apologize.

Most of us find these two words so difficult to say, and even more difficult to deliver with meaning. To hide our discomfort we may over-dramatize our message. Or we infuse a hint of sarcasm to hold on to our need to be right. We make a series of excuses, blaming someone or something else. We act defensively, protecting our ego from the pain of having hurt someone else — or just the pain of being wrong.

I recently read the suggestion that “I’m sorry you feel that way” serves as a panacea for all kinds of apologies. I absolutely disagree. Such an apology deflects the apologizer's responsibility for the real issue and focuses instead on the person who was already wronged. The apologizer sounds self-righteous and self-serving as he washes his hands of the issue.

Jennifer Thomas, co-author of The Five Languages of Apology, writes that when issuing an apology, sincerity is key. To show that you mean it, you should use at least two of the five languages of apology Thomas describes in her book: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, genuinely repenting, and requesting forgiveness.

Defuse Workplace Conflicts

Sometimes apologies are appropriate when we find ourselves in conflict with a perceived winner and loser — a common workplace scenario. Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” in those situations would simply reinforce the winner/loser mentality. Don’t do it!

Barry and Tom were having a disagreement over how to best manage a critical company project. Barry wanted to invest in hiring a consultant to come in and do the work. Tom wanted to put one of his project managers on it and invest in software and equipment. After rounds and rounds of discussion and debate, Barry told Tom he was going ahead and hiring the consultant. After all, he was the boss and responsible for the final decision. “I don’t think that’s the best approach,” Tom said. “The consultant is not going to be able to learn our system fast enough to finish the project by the deadline.” Barry’s response? “I’m sorry you feel that way,” as he hired the consultant the next day. Boom! Tom was dismissed and, some would argue, disrespected.

What if Barry had replied, “I’m sorry, Tom. Not this time. I have made my decision. I am going to hire the consultant.” In that short apology, Barry expresses regret and accepts responsibility. He recognizes he and Tom disagree, but he does not disrespect Tom for his opinion. It simply conveys that Barry has made a decision and is moving forward, as is his right as the boss.

Saving Key Relationships

From time to time, we deeply hurt someone and need to apologize for the pain we have caused. Take the case of Karen and Mike. They had been married for nearly seven years, but over the past few years the two had drifted apart. Mike was consumed with his business, working many late nights and weekends. Karen threw herself into raising their children, home schooling them while juggling part-time administrative work. After a few years, Karen told Mike she was sick of his long hours and wanted him to shut the business down and take a more reasonable job. Mike said no way, so Karen told him their marriage was doomed and she needed to get out. Mike’s answer? “I’m sorry you feel that way.” With those few words, he dismissed his wife and her feelings. Soon after, Karen filed for divorce.

What if Mike had instead said, “I’m sorry I have been gone so much”: expressing regret. And “I haven’t done a very good job managing a reasonable work-life balance, and that has left a lot of the burden of raising our kids and managing the household on you”: accepting responsibility. And finally, “Let’s spend some time together this weekend to figure out a plan that works for both of us”: making restitution. Their marriage would likely have a very different, more positive outcome.

Offering a sincere apology is hard work. It often requires vulnerability and awareness of the impact we’ve had on someone else. Don’t dismiss others with “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Take responsibility for the role you played.

Of course, if you don’t agree with any of this, I’m sorry you feel that way! No, seriously… I’m sorry. I invite you to drop me a note to let me know about your most effective apologies.

How Your Core Values Relate to Thanksgiving

As we move into the holiday season, it’s a good time to reflect upon what values drive you -- as an individual, and as a businessperson. Common ones I hear often from clients include faith, family, integrity and freedom.

Our values are reflected in our company through its culture. Every business has its own unique culture. You can build your culture intentionally by declaring and living and behaving against a set of core values or you can find it built for you, with a set of behaviors that your employees interpret as defining your values.

If your culture doesn’t reflect your core values, it’s time to change it so that it better represents what’s important to you. If it does, congratulations! Now, how can you institutionalize those so that they exist beyond your time with the company? Those core values need to be reflected in your succession plan and in the leaders to whom you entrust your business and your legacy.

I recently had a conversation with a former owner who had sold his business but was still employed there in a leadership role. He was so frustrated. “They eliminated the culture,” he told me. “I worked so hard to build a culture into this organization, and now there’s none. Gone”

I replied, “Oh, believe me – there IS a culture in the business…It’s just not the one you invested 30 years building.”

So in this season of Thanksgiving, a time for giving thanks, take some time to acknowledge and recognize the employees, customers and vendors who have demonstrated the values you hold dear, who have helped you build your business, and who have built a business culture that reflects what matters most to you.

Thank You! for being a meaningful part of my life this year, and for inviting me to be a meaningful part of yours. May 2017 bring you and yours much joy, good health and continued prosperity.

Reinventing Yourself

Twenty years ago, the recognized path to success was to graduate college, get a good job with a good company and retire at 65. For successful business owners, most of whom bucked that trend by starting or acquiring a business, saw their success come from building that business. As owners approach age 65, they may begin to define success differently. It could include the successful sale their business, it could include lazy days at a beach home, or more often than not, it includes some kind of reinvention. But reinvention is easier said than done. Some of the unexpected challenges include:

•  Deep identification with your role as a business owner and all of what comes with that.

• A spouse who has different ideas about what the next chapter should look like, when it should start and what it will include.

• Pre-conceived notions of what is or is not possible for you in the next chapter of your life.

• Trouble balancing reinvention with family expectations, business priorities, and travel.

• Too busy running the business to sit down with an expert and talk about the future.

Some Typical Questions

Here are some questions we hear as we work with business owners on their ‘reinvention’. Let us know what questions you have.

I am getting ready to retire. How do I encourage my spouse to consider their own “next chapter”?

You are wise to encourage your spouse to proactively plan for their own ‘next chapter’. Many couples don’t. Initiating conversations about their priorities and expectations in retirement will give you a sense of their interests and provide you an opportunity to share your priorities as well. We recommend sitting down with a financial advisor as well, so you can jointly review funding the next chapter. We have several financial advisors we recommend. One of them, Stearns Financial Group (SFG), has a financial independence roadmap that initiates future visioning discussions. By opening up regular communications, and focusing on what matters most to each of you, you can begin to map out a blended life pattern that nurtures and supports each of you.

It’s important to note that many people find they need a facilitator to have a productive discussion, either because their lives are too busy or because either husband or wife already has a set view of the next chapter and how it should play out. Consider hiring a professional. We can recommend a coach who targets your specific needs.

I think I want to volunteer more in my next chapter, but I’ve had some hit or miss volunteer opportunities with non-profits. My time is limited and I have some causes I’m really passionate about, but it seems like the entities I care about have poor volunteer practices. What should I think about for the best fit?

Thank you for supporting non-profits. If, as part of your "reinvention", your prime objective is to provide support for the causes you are passionate about, you may find it more rewarding to simply donate money, especially if you can designate that donation toward a particular need, such as updating a computer lab or hiring a facilitator to assist with board development. Depending on your goals, your financial advisor or your local Community Foundation can help you plan the best way to channel your particular philanthropic interests.

If you truly enjoy being hands on, talk to the director or volunteer coordinator about the kind of help they need and the kind of volunteer work you most want to do. Often you can carve out a role for yourself if you are clear on how to marry their important needs with your skills and interests. You have to be willing to truly listen for what the non-profit most needs, and you have to be willing to be clear on what your highest and best use would be. If there is not a match, move on. There are often several organizations in a region that serve a particular non-profit need. You may need to search a little wider to find one that also has a good match between their needs and your best use. In Greensboro, The Volunteer Center or the Guilford NonProfit Consortium might offer suggestions.

I am really struggling to stay engaged and not be bored after retirement. What advice do you have about figuring out what to do?

You are in the first generation that will likely be healthy for 15+ years in retirement. The blessing is a longer and better quality of life. The curse is what to do with all of that time! Harvard School of Public Health found that heart attacks/strokes are 40% higher in retirees, and the rates were highest in the first year of retirement. It is often triggered by loss of identity, community connections, lack of meaning, and changing life patterns. The shift can be very disorienting and stressful. AARP has created an on-line program called ‘Life Re-imagined’ that provides resources for retirees to re-imagine their life in retirement. Encore.org also provides resources for those interested in a second (3rd or 20th) career. Encore.org founder Marc Freedman, and others, have books out on the topic.

At The Leadership & Legacy Group, we work with business owners and CEO’s, who have spent the better part of their career driving business results. Our model seeks to help these driven professionals make a successful transition into ‘what’s next’. Clients work 1-1 with a CEO Succession coach through a proprietary model to discern their passions, clarify their favorite strengths, and identify their most important lifestyle priorities. The process uncovers what ‘reinvention’ will bring deep meaning, personal engagement and fulfillment. We recommend starting this process 1-2 years in advance of your proposed reinvention time.

Expert Abby Donnelly is the Founder of The Leadership & Legacy Group. LLG helps business owners recognize and proactively navigate the inevitable stress and uncertainty that comes with succession planning and exit and enables them to create a powerful and rewarding future. It’s Your Time.

photo by krosseel