Exiting My Business Shouldn’t Stress My Marriage!

We just celebrated Valentine’s Day, a day known for candy and flowers and romantic dinners. If you’re planning to retire soon, one of the most caring and practical things you can do is to talk to your spouse about the anticipated changes you BOTH will experience when you no longer work 40 – 60 hours/week. We’re not talking about your new-found ability to take off on a Wednesday afternoon to visit with the grandchildren. We’re talking about the everyday changes to your routine. Those are the ones that have the potential to really shake up your relationship.

We think it’s going to be no big deal…sleep in a little, have some time to read the paper over a leisurely breakfast, do a few things around the house, maybe take a nap…. Well, that may sound delightful to you, but your spouse is likely still living the patterns created over years of partnership. Whether your spouse works full time, part time or not at all, his or her patterns will be shaped and influenced by the changes in yours, and if you don’t discuss them in advance, or as they are happening, you will experience tension.

Last August, my husband Jim left his position and is taking some time off to re-evaluate his career direction. This change meant that he (and we) no longer needed to awaken at 5:20am. Yippee! It also meant he would be home. All. Day. Long. I wasn’t sure I liked that.

First, I noticed a subtle (or not so subtle) nudge for a later wake up time – but I still had early meetings scheduled. Later I noticed more meandering in the morning. He took some extra time to play with our dog, eat a leisurely breakfast. I still had deadlines, commitments, schedules -- made months ago -- staring me in the face. When I worked from home, rather than the solitude I had become used to, he would sweetly stop in to say hello or check in with me about what time I’d be breaking for lunch. I found myself distracted by everything -- the music on his iPad, his conversations with our dog, the front door creaking open and shut, open and shut. Arrggghh!

While it took some time, and a lot of conversation and expectations-sharing, we worked things out. I shared my need for quiet time to focus and concentrate; he plays his ipad a little lower. He sends me a text to confirm lunch plans, and I schedule morning meetings a little later. We’ve found a new rhythm.

In Japan, there’s even a recognized condition related to the relationship changes around retirement. “Retired husband syndrome” describes a set of stress-related symptoms and depression that many Japanese women experience in anticipation of having their husbands around more in retirement. This seems to be driving a wave of late-in-life separations, known in the United States as “grey divorce”.*

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

The best approach is to foster awareness of the impact the change will have on you and to discuss each of your wants and needs. Ask your spouse what they want their life to look like in the next 3 years and tell them what you dream about. Then figure out how to make it happen.

* For more information on Grey Divorce from Greensboro, NC experts, contact us  (abby@leadershiplegacygroup.com)

"Retirement is Terrific!" — Fact or Fiction?

More often than not, it’s fiction. A couple of years ago, I crossed paths with a gentleman who looked more and more haggard each time I saw him.

Formerly the president of an organization, he was forced into retirement several years earlier than he planned. Suddenly cast adrift, he was struggling with how to fill his free time productively. As I probed further, I found he was having difficulty sleeping, and his health was suffering.

He was flashing the neon signs of depression, and he wasn’t alone. According to a 2013 report released by the Institute of Economic Affairs (IEA), following an initial boost in health, retirement increases the risk of clinical depression by 40 percent.

The Harvard School of Public Health also concludes that alcoholism, depression and obesity increase significantly post-retirement for business owners when they do not have a plan for what will bring them meaning.

What about women? This transition typically isn’t as hard for women. They generally take on many personal and professional roles during their lives, and as a result, don’t define themselves as business owners the way many successful men do.

The role of CEO is lonely in general, but as these leaders move toward retirement, it’s particularly hard for them to talk about the uncertainty around the coming changes.

After retirement, social and professional networks take a back seat and retired owners find themselves more isolated, and without other interests or relationships drawing them forward. For some, this could show up as depression masking as escapist behavior, such as spending a lot of time working out or on sports; or alcohol or substance abuse; irritability or inappropriate anger; even reckless driving. For others it can look like withdrawal from family and friends and other activities that used to be enjoyable.

Yet many resist seeking help, viewing both depression and its treatment as signs of weakness. Therapy can be a great help but many baby boomer owners are not willing to consider it, preferring to try to work through it on their own. This CEO decided to speak to a pastor at his church, someone he had great respect for and deeply trusted. Through that relationship, he felt heard and supported and was guided toward a volunteer opportunity that was very compelling to him. It gave him a goal for getting healthy, a purpose for his life, and a way to contribute to the church. He looks and feels 20 years younger.

If you think that you or someone you know may be depressed, learn more at the National Institute of Mental Health or the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Make Retirement Terrific by defining what will bring meaning and joy in your next phase of life. Contact us to learn more about our Executive Transition Process and create a Retirement that’s ‘Terrific’ for you!

When Talking Isn’t Enough: How To Hold An Engaging Conversation

What would you say if I told you to quit talking to me? In fact, I want you to quit talking to everyone. What I want instead is for you to engage with others. Engagement occurs on a different level than talking to or talking at someone. When we engage, we transform our experience of ourselves and our experience of others. Let’s look at three levels of conversation and discover what it means to be engaged.

3 Levels Of Conversation

Level 1: Level 1 conversations are about exchanging stories. I tell you about my day or week and you respond with your own story that complements, outdoes or reminds you of mine. Sometimes the intent is to validate you and your experience, as in, “Oh my gosh! The same thing happened to me!” Other times we go for the attention grab: “Oh, that’s nothing! Listen to this.” While rich in information sharing and often energizing, Level 1 conversations don’t require a high level of emotional engagement.

Level 2: Level 2 conversations circle around common interests or beliefs. We hash out the latest political scandals or vent about work. In these conversations, each party seeks commonality and support of their worldview. For this reason, Level 2 conversation frequently morph into advice-giving sessions. However, engagement begins as we tap into our core interests and beliefs in these conversations.

Level 3: Here’s where the real work gets done. In level 3 conversations, we are discovering—and appreciating—the uniqueness of the individual. These conversations have more depth, more vulnerability and require deep listening for thoughtful replies. It’s not enough to share a story, though a story might be exactly what is needed to communicate understanding. It’s not enough to discover common interests or beliefs, though we likely will. Instead, we go further and make a commitment to listen and create a safe environment for others to share who they really are, rather then the person we want them to be.

Not every conversation needs to be a Level 3. In fact, that would be exhausting! A quick round of stories at the water cooler or a lunch date to gripe about the boss is fine and often all that’s needed. But look for opportunities to hold Level 3 conversations. It may be with someone you’re mentoring, with a vendor or client with whom you seek to establish a relationship or with a colleague you feel has ideas and opinions—even if they differ from yours—worth exploring at a deeper level.

These conversations take work. It’s hard to let go of judgments or stop our minds from racing to what our reply is going to be and instead be fully in the moment and listening to the person in front of us. In the long term, however, Level 3 conversations are where the deepest of friendships and business relationships take place and grow.